I have a good day, I have a bad day. I am trying to just let be what is, rather than trying to swim upstream. It doesn’t even seem to make sense always why one day turns out well and another doesn’t. One day starts with rain and a bad mood. Then the clouds begin to lift and I decide to go for a ride, a ride with no aim, and no plan. And beauty and engagement just happen. The sky grows brilliant white clouds that sail acros the blue. I stop at an outdoor chapel and the spire on the church next door takes me upwards with it, and the sign as i leave the chapel, “enter to worship, depart to serve” , makes me laugh as I see that the view as you leave reading this sign is the graveyard.

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Horses are grazing on rolling green pastures and I wish I knew each one. I pass a pasture of bulls and cows and calves and see a sage of a goat atop a hill ruling over this kingdom. I am so charmed, I stop to take pictures and talk with him. I want him to be my guru, but he only smiles.

Two days later I awaken feeling good, and the sun shines. I decide to go back down to the bay to the very first home I ever lived in there. A magic place that helped me enter a new time in my life. But first I will go to a little town that was near my home, where I would go occasionally to a little art gallery, and a place that had great crab cakes, and where you could walk out onto a long pier, listening to all the sailboat halyerds clanging and toning in the wind.

But the restaurant has changed hands and become more “modern”, so gone are the chirstmas lights that stayed all year long, adding a nice glow of charm. And the pier has been closed to public access. By the time I get to my old town I’m feeling a little cranky, and crankiness turns to horror and confusion when I realize I can’t even find my old house because the neighborhood has been so built up==row after row of houses on top one another. I finally find it, there was a tall tower on one end that i lived in–with 360 degrees view of bay and wetlands. Now there is a house with an even bigger tower so close to it you’d be looking in each others windows==and the degrees are no longer 360==the wetlands are blocked. The whole place feels claustrophobic and unfriendly. I leave without even seeing any old friends. The rest of the day I am shaken by this==and so sad that that beautiful place is no more.

One night I have a wild huge dream about the sun, morphing and melting and raining down beautiful drops that i run out to gather as they become irridescent glass. I awaken transported but when I try to re=enter the dream in a bodywork session, I have no access. All I can focus on is how bad my back hurts. Then a few days later on easter, I spontaneously decide to paint eggs and the sun dream emerges there, allwoing me to be right in the feel of it again.

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Things keep shifting==things I thougt I knew, disintegrating. Things I didn’t know,seeming more real. I don’t feel like i have much control lately, and maybe that is good. BUt it sure can feel freaky. I pull the Tower card regularly from the Tarot, and the “go with the flow” card from Osho deck. I’m not sure I have much choice really. My plans and hopes and agendas tend to unravel. I am trying just to take it one day at a time, even one hour at a time, and try to be with what is real, rather than what i’d hoped or planned.

I think I need more input from the goat.:)